My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
