my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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