You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
false alarm, still single
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
