i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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