So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
