So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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