Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
