well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
