I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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