I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
