Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
