Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.