There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Don't tell me you're on acid again