I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
