fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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