so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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