as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
