I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
No I am not eating basil off your cock
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
