You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
