Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
