look no pants
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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