It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
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i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
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I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.