Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
