Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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