Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
