yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
