Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
