Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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