I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's blow job season.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
