I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
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For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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