I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
