It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
