i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
