Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
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just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
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