I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
