she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
