Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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