The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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