Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
