Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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