Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
