My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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