I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
