Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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