either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
