I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
