im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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