My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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