Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
