just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
