Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
