why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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