Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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