We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
